Quitting quitting

Oh well. The disadvantage to being so private in my life is that since no one knows what I'm up to, they work against me without knowing. Babysat kids the other night (6,4,3). Was doing great not smoking until my sister called on the way home and asked if I wanted anything...

She thoughtfully brought me two packs, instead of the one I asked for. One of the reasons I haven't told anyone is that back when this same sister was quitting, she 'quit' every couple of months and it got to be a long-running joke. I don't want people talking about me like that so I'd rather not tell them.

Back on the horse again. Or, more precisely, back on the wagon!!

Quitting smoking

Two days ago I quit smoking. I've been reading Tony Attwood's book "The Complete Guide to Asperger's Syndrome" and one of the things it mentioned was that people with AS get their energy from being alone.

One of the things that has always terrified me about quitting was not having a reason to go outside for a few moments every couple of hours (or more often if I needed to) when I'm with a large group. I never understood why that was so important. Now I do! I'm the only one in my family that smokes and none of my friends (who live in another state now) do. So I always go outside--of their homes, the restaurant--wherever.

Now that I know the basis of that part of my smoking--I can give it up. Because it's okay to sneak away for 5 minutes of energizing!!

And another thing I've noticed--every time I've embarked on a new endeavor and then tell my family about it, I lost interest. According to Attwood, people with AS don't do well with public praise. Maybe it's them telling me how great (whatever it is) I'm doing that makes me quit. Designing a web page, job searches, smoking in the past, etc.

So I just won't tell them until enough time has passed that I'm sure this time it's for real. And in the meantime--in order to keep up the charade, I'll still have my excuse to go outside along. lol

The funny thing is that my 4 yr. old nephew will probably be the first to notice. That's how kids are.

Pure Panic

On Tuesday when I opened the door to let the cable guy in I found a note outside my door. The next day building management would be setting off 'bug bombs' in my building and two others and I had to empty all my kitchen and bathroom cabinets and vacate for approx. 5 hours.

My body was flooded with panic and adrenaline. I don't like surprises (understatement there) and I have arthritis to that seemed to me to be insurmountable by the next morning. Strangers in my house-my week was blown-one day to do this, two days to put it back in and 3 days to recuperate from screwing up my back. Little did I know.

Luckily for them the cable guy was there for another 45 minutes so they didn't get the full force of panic. The last time they had to do something in my apartment I was given a week and emptied cabinets unnecessarily. Nope--this time it was for real. They are only obligated to give us 24 hours notice. Hmm, a note left in front of someone's door is notice? Had the cable man not been there would I have even opened the door? Plus I had to find somewhere to go-being out first thing in the morning meant sleeping at someone's house the night before. So I basically had 8 hours to do all this.

The interesting thing here was that when I was full of panic, now that I am aware of Asperger's syndrome, I gave myself permission to feel that way. Instead of feeling out of control and unreasonably upset a part of my mind was saying 'surprises, things not where they should be, change in schedule' all are things that upset a "normal" person with Asperger's. Knowing why I felt so freaked out enabled me to 'dial it back' eventually when I did contact the office.

The problem I've run into in the last few days is that I can taste the powder where I haven't gotten it up yet. (Anyone else would say it's all in my mind but thankfully I now know sensitivity to aromas/textures is another aspect of AS) I never realized/thought that the powder, or whatever, would be on every surface in my kitchen, living room, dining room and bathroom. (One BR apt and most rooms are connected). And my back hurts. And I can't sit for very long, I get to edgy when I think of the boxes that have to be unpacked. So I have to clean first.........

And the cable company screwed up my order so it took three days to get online. I got them for phone also and so I couldn't figure out how to access my dial-up account. Got cable, cancelled dial-up, but not before they charged me for this month the day before. If I had gotten hooked up when I was supposed to--oh well.

Now I must be back to work. Or back to taking it easy--sitting at the computer doesn't do my back any good either.

Monday night

As usual logged on to do a quick one or two things--it's been almost an hour and here I am! And of course I didn't get done what I wanted to-the library's online catalog is unavailable. Damn.

Been busy the last few days. Seems likes it's been longer than two days since I was last here. Probably because I've spent most of it HERE as opposed to 'over there' so to speak.

Went to the doctor today, got in and out pretty quick-and back home on the bus. Cable guy coming tomorrow. Phone and (slow cable) internet put in. That's the half-price thing-equivalent to DSL but I can't get DSL here in my building. Been thinking a lot about the past-how Asperger's really relates. Sorry this is a boring one-just wanted to stop in and post because it's a responsibility I'm trying to keep up with and the more of those the more time I spend being productive and hopefully I'll end up back as sane (or insane) as I was a few years ago. Time and age(?) and being a generally lazy ass has really taken it's toll on my mind.

Have a good one. Keep in touch. (insert sarcasm here)

About Me

I've realized that in the rush about finding about Asperger's I've skipped talking about who I am. My first and last versus my middle, so to speak. Eventually the rush will die down and it won't be this huge bubble surrounding me.

I'm 41, lived in Pittsburgh most of my life, moved to Indianapolis recently, will always consider myself a transplanted Pittsburgher. At the age of 27 I ended up with arthritis and went from full-time to part-time. When I moved cities, I went from part-time to no-time. Since I've been coming here on vacation for the last twenty years (I have family here) I just can't wrap my head around actually working. The bills are getting paid and I'm eating.

People don't understand how I'm not bored not working. I've got two worlds which is common with Asperger's people. Kurt Vonnegut's Slaughterhouse-Five had Tralfamadore, I have mine. It's not cohesive, not otherworldy, but it is an escape. And seductive.

So now I know it's based in autism. Not a big surprise--something that's occurred to me before. I've really got to get a job. I've been doing all I can do from the comfort of home--gee, now I have to leave. I'm very good at writing and very good with words but I just can't start a cover letter. Isn't that bizarre? I've started a book (and dropped it), and I've proofread other people's cover letters but mine is a blank.

That's my big goal--a J-O-B. It's a great reason to procrastinate! Spent an hour cleaning all the furniture in my bedroom with Murphy's Oil Soap today. (and I have a LOT of wood furniture~)

A lack of empathy?

There's a couple of things that have been on my mind lately. Actually, there's usually at least ten things zooming but here's the main two.

First of all, I don't know why the term 'birth defect' has not been rendered politically incorrect. I prefer 'congenital issue' as I said on the blog of John Elder Robison http://jerobison.blogspot.com/ .
But since it hasn't, there are two important things to remember:

--At one point in time, being born without gills or fins was a birth defect.
--A defective amount of empathy does not a defective person make.

I think c.i.s can best be characterized by a "lack of". A lack of: a whole heart, spine, body; intelligence needed to live an autonomous life; hair (in the case of alopecia); sexuality; empathy; and a host of others, but you get the idea. It's not our brain, or even the way we think, that is the birth defect--it's the lack of empathy.

I'd like to clarify the last two. Sexuality and empathy are two components of a human being. If I had to choose which one I had to go without--no contest-I got lucky. (Of course, asexuals might say the same about us!) Asexuality is the lack of desire and it is that lack to me that makes it a c.i. (birth defect). That is not to say asexuals are defective!!

One of the many things about today's society that doesn't make any sense: To me, sexuality is like hair color. As long as you're born with it-it doesn't matter what color it is. I'm a brunette-I find the thought of hating someone just for being born blonde ridiculous. Does anyone have an opinion? (One not based on a book written by a bunch of old men 1800 years ago that has been ignored for convenience when necessary? More on that in another post.)

Secondly--the lack of empathy that is a characteristic of Asperger's. Are we saying none or just a little? I'm thinking we do have some. We can be sad for ourselves. If one has to love oneself before loving another doesn't it make sense that having feelings for oneself is the baseline for being able to feel what someone else does? What do you think?

Will blogging work for me?

My sister has gotten used to me over the years (especially when I lived out of state), sending her an email and then sending her a follow-up one to clarify the first. I seem to always hit 'send', log off, and then realize she could have taken it the wrong way.


Now I've learned there's a reason for this (Asperger's) but my brain works fast, I type fast, and it seems like things make perfect sense at the time, but since I've known for a long time that I don't think like other people.....


As aspect of my Asperger's is that I'm more sociologically inclined than mechanically or numerically. I see patterns in behavior and events in terms of sociological implications. I also speak in analogies. Does that make sense? I bop my head, sleep with tons of covers, think only in logical terms and only have second-hand empathy. (I have to really think about someone's place to get it and even then....) And every book I've read since has only reinforced the diagnosis--not displaced it.


So I'm overly sensitive to having others not like me. Supposedly kids that were teased unmercifully when young develop what is called a high emotional intelligence. Double that with Asperger's--translates to everything being about my feelings, I guess. Maybe it's that I don't read that clues correctly, I've just learned to assume I've hurt someone's feelings.


So it's funny--(Okay, not really)---that's what my obsessions and my introversion are usually about. I've had to avoid message boards and chat rooms also. I can't comprehend that most people on a message board aren't friends and are leaving me out, everyone takes what I say the wrong way, and people can tell there's something wrong with me. (bobbing my head)


Can someone tell me blog etiquette? Do you say have a nice trip if they're going on a trip and you just posted for the first time? Should I be posting if/when anyone comments?